Borrowed time
Not enough
Lucky
These three phrases constantly
barrage my mind when I think of Jack. No
amount of time would ever be enough, but the time I’ve been given with him has
been nothing short of a miracle.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Today my house was 51 degrees when
I opened my eyes. I rolled out of bed
and like every morning, immediately look for Jack to check on him. Huddled in a furry ball in front of his
Nighty’s house wearing his signature scowl, Jack seemed to appreciate the
temperature of the bedroom as much as I had.
I turned on the space heater and then scooped up my buncicle and cuddled
him close to me as I sat down on the edge of the bed.
He immediately snuggled into the
crook of my arm which I found interesting.
Since Jack found his way into my home, he’s never been interested in
anything more than a quick pat on the head as he solicits a treat. Asking Jack to tolerate being held, kissed or
hugged has always been out of the question.
Jack has always preferred to sit quietly, wearing his best angry,
disapproving scowl. But today was
different. I was amazed as I felt him
finding a comfortable position against me.
I mentally kicked myself as I thought to take a picture and then
realized my camera was sitting in my chair on the other side of the bed.
I sat on the edge of the bed with
Jack thawing in my arms, feeling the much-appreciated heat from the space
heater billowing around the two of us, my mind bubbling with thoughts of
him. I petted him and rubbed his face
and ears, taking in every detail of him and relishing in his willingness to sit
there and allow me to do so. I chuckled
a bit to myself because the only reason he was tolerating this breach of
personal space was because the cold night had chilled him so much and I was the
keeper of the space heater.
I became saddened as my thoughts
turned to his short life expectancy.
Jack is on borrowed time, as some would say. He is already past what I morbidly, but
comically refer to as his expiration date.
Everything dies. And it is sad
every time, but something is different when a time limit is applied. Everything has a time limit, but as always,
ignorance is bliss. Being aware of the
ticking clock is frightening.
Choosing to go down this path with
Jack was not the only choice for us, but it seemed fair to him. I have always said that the choices I’ve made
and continue to make are for him. I have
never wanted to selfishly cling to him and refuse something that I know is best
for him because of my own personal fear of letting go.
As I sat there thinking of how far
down this spiraling, hospice-like “rabbit hole” we’ve traveled together, I
realized something about myself that I have never admitted. I HAVE done what is best for Jack. Throughout the past year, I believed I was
fearful of letting him go. Every choice
I have made for him has been dominated by my strictness about my own
fears. Sitting there with Jack in my
arms, I realized that my fears are not based on the thought of letting him
go. They are contrived from the thought
of making choices for his care based on my own needs. I am so deeply saddened and fearful of him
dying, but I realize that I accept the inevitability of it and the reason for
that is because everything about our journey has been for him. Self-gratification has never been a factor in
my decision-making. I have done the best
that I could. Jack is loved. He knows I love him. The time that I have been given with him is
not and has not been enough. It could
never be enough, but I am grateful for what we’ve had. I thought to myself, “If he passed away right
now in this moment in time, I would have no regrets. He would go in my arms, loved, happy, warm……and
I would be sad and I would mourn and probably die inside, but I would know that
through everything, he was never in pain and he lived the best life he
could.”
I smiled as I looked down, knowing
that a new phrase had been added to my list.
Borrowed time
Not enough
Lucky
At peace
Knowing that I am at peace with what Jack and I have been through is more comforting than I thought it would be. Being able to say that we've lived to the fullest together and loved each other is all I could ever ask for.
Knowing that I am at peace with what Jack and I have been through is more comforting than I thought it would be. Being able to say that we've lived to the fullest together and loved each other is all I could ever ask for.
Jack
began to kiss my arm and started to fidget against me. I stared down at him and smiled as he
breached yet another wall of affection.
The temperature displayed on the space heater was now 65 degrees. Jack had warmed himself sufficiently and just
as I thought, he stood up in my lap and began digging at me, signaling that
he’d given all he was going to in exchange for the heat. I set him on the floor and he thumped his
back feet and then flicked them at me as he disappeared under the bed, true to
his angry personality that I have come to find so endearing.
